Parental Alienation & High-Conflict Custody in North Carolina

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for a child’s reluctance to have contact with a parent, including abuse, neglect, domestic violence, substance abuse, or other harmful behavior. Those concerns must always be taken seriously.

But in some high-conflict custody cases, a child’s rejection of a parent may be encouraged, reinforced, or created by the conduct of the other parent. This is commonly referred to as parental alienation or alienating behavior.

These cases can be extraordinarily difficult because the damage to the parent-child relationship may occur much faster than the court system can respond.

If you believe your relationship with your child is being intentionally undermined, waiting and hoping that the situation will resolve itself can be a serious mistake.

What Is Parental Alienation?

The term “parental alienation” is commonly used to describe circumstances in which a child becomes resistant to or rejects a parent and that rejection is influenced or encouraged by the behavior of the other parent.

Not every child who resists visitation is being alienated.

Children may struggle with separation, divorce, changing households, new relationships, different parenting styles, discipline, school schedules, or legitimate concerns about a parent's behavior. Older children and teenagers may also have strong opinions about where they want to spend their time.

For that reason, the important question is often not simply:

“Does the child want to see the other parent?”

The better questions may be:

Why has the child’s attitude changed? What is contributing to the rejection? And what have both parents done to support the child's relationship with the other parent?

Does North Carolina Recognize Parental Alienation?

North Carolina custody law focuses on the best interests and welfare of the child.

Under N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-13.2, a court deciding custody must award custody in the manner that will best promote the child’s interest and welfare. The court may consider all relevant factors affecting the child.

That gives judges considerable ability to examine the actual behavior of the parents rather than simply the labels attached to that behavior.

A parent therefore should not assume that a case depends upon convincing the judge to use the specific words “parental alienation.”

The conduct itself can matter.

North Carolina appellate courts have addressed parental alienation in custody litigation. In Hasz v. Brittain, for example, the North Carolina Court of Appeals considered findings concerning parental alienation when reviewing a modification of custody.

More recently, in In re B.C. & I.C., the Court of Appeals addressed particularly serious findings concerning a parent’s systematic efforts to cause significant parental alienation and the emotional harm those actions caused the children.

The lesson is important: North Carolina courts can consider conduct that damages a child's relationship with the other parent when determining the child's welfare.

What Can Parental Alienation Look Like?

Alienating behavior is not always obvious.

Sometimes a parent openly tells a child that the other parent is bad, dangerous, selfish, or does not love the child.

More often, the behavior is subtle.

Potential warning signs may include:

• Repeatedly telling the child that the other parent is “unsafe” without an objective basis;

• Discussing court proceedings, child support, litigation, or other adult disputes with the child;

• Telling the child details about the separation or divorce that the child does not need to know;

• Encouraging the child to view one parent as the “good parent” and the other as the “bad parent”;

• Asking the child to choose between parents;

• Allowing the child to decide whether to comply with an existing custody schedule;

• Interfering with telephone calls, FaceTime, texts, or other communication;

• Scheduling desirable activities during the other parent’s custodial time;

• Scheduling desirable activities on Father’s or Mother’s Day;

• Repeatedly contacting the child during the other parent’s parenting time in a way that interferes with that time;

• Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent;

• Suggesting that spending time with the other parent means the child is betraying the parent at home;

• Withholding information concerning school, medical care, counseling, or activities;

• Using the child to deliver messages between parents;

• Encouraging the child to call a parent by his or her first name rather than “Mom” or “Dad”;

• Treating ordinary parenting disagreements as evidence that the other parent is dangerous;

• Repeatedly questioning or interrogating the child after visits;

• Rewarding rejection of the other parent; or

• Failing to encourage the child to maintain a healthy relationship with the other parent.

No single behavior automatically establishes parental alienation. Courts look at the circumstances of each family.

What can become significant is a pattern of conduct and the effect that conduct has on the child.

“My Child Doesn’t Want to Go” Is Not Necessarily the End of the Inquiry

One of the most difficult situations occurs when a parent says:

“I would let the child go, but the child doesn't want to.”

That statement may deserve closer examination.

A child’s wishes can certainly be relevant, particularly as children mature. But a parent’s responsibility does not necessarily disappear because a child expresses resistance.

Parents routinely require children to do things they would rather not do: attend school, complete homework, go to medical appointments, follow household rules, and attend family obligations.

The question may therefore become:

What has the parent actually done to encourage the child to have a healthy relationship with the other parent?

For example:

• Did the parent tell the child that spending time with the other parent is important?

• Did the parent help the child prepare for the visit?

• Did the parent speak positively or neutrally about the other parent?

• Did the parent discourage disrespect?

• Did the parent make the child available for telephone and electronic communication?

• Or did the parent simply accept—or perhaps reinforce—the child's rejection?

Those distinctions can become extremely important in a custody case.

How Quickly Can Alienation Become a Serious Problem?

One of the greatest dangers in these cases is time.

A strained relationship can become normalized surprisingly quickly. Missed weekends can become missed months. Missed telephone calls can become no communication at all.

Eventually, a parent who previously had a close relationship with the child may begin to feel like a stranger.

The longer the separation continues, the more difficult repairing the relationship may become.

Court proceedings, however, do not always move at the same speed as family relationships.

That is one reason parents who see a sudden and dramatic deterioration in their relationship with a child should consider seeking legal advice promptly rather than simply waiting to see what happens.

What Evidence Can Help Establish Alienating Behavior?

Custody cases are decided on evidence, not simply accusations.

If you believe your relationship with your child is being interfered with, documentation can be extremely important.

Potential evidence may include:

Text Messages and Emails

Save communications showing denied parenting time, interference with calls, refusal to exchange information, inappropriate conditions on visitation, or statements concerning the child's refusal to visit.

Do not delete messages simply because they are upsetting.

A Parenting-Time Calendar

Keep an accurate record of:

• Scheduled parenting time;

• Parenting time that actually occurred;

• Denied or canceled visits;

• Late exchanges;

• Missed telephone or video calls; and

• Your attempts to maintain contact.

Keep the record factual. A contemporaneous calendar is generally more useful than an emotional narrative written months later.

School and Medical Records

These records may help establish whether one parent has been excluded from important decisions or information concerning the child.

North Carolina law generally provides that, absent a contrary court order, each parent has equal access to records involving the child's health, education, and welfare.

Electronic Communications

Save relevant emails, text messages, co-parenting application messages, and other electronic communications.

Screenshots can be helpful, but preserving the complete conversation is often preferable because context matters.

Witnesses

Teachers, coaches, relatives, neighbors, family friends, counselors, and other people who have personally observed the parent-child relationship may sometimes have relevant information.

A good witness is not simply someone who "takes your side." A credible witness is someone who personally observed relevant events and can describe what occurred.

Prior Custody Orders

If a custody order already exists, document specific violations of that order.

Do not rely on general statements such as "she never follows the order." Identify dates, provisions, communications, and what actually happened.

What Should an Alienated Parent Avoid Doing?

When you believe someone is damaging your relationship with your child, the natural reaction may be anger.

That anger can make the situation worse.

Avoid putting your child in the middle.

Do not retaliate by criticizing the other parent.

Do not tell your child that he or she has been "brainwashed."

Do not interrogate your child after spending time with the other parent.

Do not ask your child to gather evidence.

Do not make the child responsible for fixing the dispute.

And perhaps most importantly, do not mirror your child’s rejection.

If your child stops responding, continue communicating appropriately.

A simple message such as:

“I love you. I am thinking about you. I am always here.”

can be far more constructive than arguing with a child about why the child's beliefs are wrong.

Your child should not have to choose which parent to love.

What If There Are Genuine Safety Concerns?

Allegations of parental alienation should never be used to dismiss legitimate concerns about abuse, neglect, domestic violence, substance abuse, or a child's safety.

North Carolina law expressly requires courts to consider domestic violence and the safety of the child and the parties when determining custody.

There is an important distinction between protecting a child from legitimate danger and unnecessarily interfering with a healthy parent-child relationship.

That distinction is highly fact-specific.

If you believe your child is actually in danger, obtain legal advice about the appropriate steps to protect the child rather than simply ignoring an existing court order.

Can Counseling Help?

Sometimes.

A qualified mental-health professional may be extremely helpful in identifying family dynamics and helping repair a damaged parent-child relationship.

But counseling in a high-conflict custody case can also become complicated.

Parents may disagree about:

• Which counselor should treat the child;

• What information should be provided to the counselor;

• Whether both parents should participate;

• Whether the counselor understands high-conflict custody dynamics;

• Whether therapy is addressing the child's needs or reinforcing one parent's narrative; and

• What information, if any, may later become relevant in court.

Parents involved in custody litigation should discuss these issues with their attorney rather than assuming that any particular therapeutic arrangement will necessarily help the case or the child.

Can a Court Change Custody Because of Alienating Behavior?

Potentially.

The answer depends upon the procedural posture of the case and the evidence presented.

In an initial custody determination, the court decides what arrangement will best promote the child’s interests and welfare.

If a permanent custody order already exists, modification generally requires proof of a substantial change in circumstances affecting the child's welfare before the court determines whether modification is in the child's best interests.

Alienating behavior may become relevant to that analysis when it affects the child's welfare or the child's relationship with a parent.

The remedy will depend upon the circumstances.

A court's options may include changes to parenting schedules or custody, more specific communication provisions, counseling-related provisions, restrictions or conditions designed to protect the child's relationships, or other relief the court determines is appropriate and lawful.

What Should You Do If You Believe You Are Being Alienated From Your Child?

Start with three things:

1.      Do not give up. Document. Get advice early.

Continue making appropriate efforts to communicate with your child.

Continue showing up when you are entitled to parenting time.

Keep your communications calm and child-focused.

Document denied contact and other significant events.

Follow existing court orders unless you have received legal advice directing you otherwise or the court modifies the order.

Most importantly, remember what the ultimate objective should be.

The goal is not to "win" against the other parent.

The goal is to protect your child's ability to have healthy, safe relationships and to prevent unnecessary damage to your relationship with your child.

2.      Speak with an Attorney

Consider speaking with an attorney if:

• Your child suddenly refuses contact with you;

• Your parenting time is repeatedly being denied;

• Your calls or messages to your child are being blocked;

• The other parent is telling you that the child gets to decide whether to follow the custody order;

• Your child begins repeating accusations or legal terminology that appear inconsistent with the child's age;

• You are being excluded from medical, educational, or counseling decisions;

• False or exaggerated allegations are being made against you;

• Your existing custody arrangement is no longer working; or

• You are concerned that your relationship with your child is rapidly deteriorating.

Early legal advice does not necessarily mean immediately filing a motion.

It means understanding your options before the situation becomes more difficult to repair.

3.      Parental Alienation Cases Require a Different Kind of Attention

High-conflict custody cases are rarely simple.

Parental alienation cases can be even more difficult because the most important evidence may develop gradually while the damage to the parent-child relationship develops quickly.

Parents facing these situations need a strategy that considers both the legal case and the long-term relationship with the child.

At The Law Group in Wilmington, North Carolina, our family-law attorneys represent parents in child custody matters, including complex and high-conflict custody disputes. We understand that when your relationship with your child is at risk, the consequences extend far beyond the courtroom.

If you believe another parent is interfering with your relationship with your child, or if you have been accused of interfering with the other parent's relationship, obtaining legal advice early can help you understand your rights, your responsibilities, and the options available under North Carolina law.